Bisbilhotar in the networks: when it is dangerous and how to stop | Technology

'Spying' is another part of our relationship with social networks.
‘Spying’ is another part of our relationship with social networks.Getty

A survey carried out by the cybersecurity company NortonLifeLock with more than 2,000 randomly selected adults discovered that almost all of them (46%) had stalked or sniffed their partners online — current, past or potential — without their knowledge and, much less, their consent. One of each ten was longer and admitted having created a false profile in social networks to be able to spy on the same people, but reducing to the maximum the possibility of being discovered.

To a greater or lesser extent, there is no Internet user who has not navigated the dangerous waters that separate the unavoidable curiosity from the criminal quase. The practice of innocently snooping online is called snooping, and many people consider it advisable to guarantee —with a quick Google search— that the people with whom we are going to find ourselves can talk through Tinder and what it says it is.

However, there is also a certain consensus on the limits that should not be exceeded, both legal and emotional. Now the ones that most concern us (and we freiam) are the first type, the truth is that, we want to take care of our mental health, we must know how to counter these detective impulses when they harm us. And, believe it or not, it can harm us more than we imagine. It’s not, it’s not just about avoiding being pego. You are looking for tricks for isso, you are reading or wrong article.

Or that you feel nothing is love

María Magdalena Orosan, psychologist at TherapyChat, is a specialist in family therapy, personality disorders and gender violence. Embora acknowledges that “there is nothing common to investigate about someone that you are beginning to know on social networks”, she warns: “The moment in which we must begin to worry is precisely when our desire to know becomes a necessity. Being curious about something is not the same as not being able to endure the anxiety derived from wanting to know more. When this happens, it becomes an obsession and, we feed off this obsession continually seeking information, we become compulsive. In this way, the more we are stubborn with this idea, the more likely we are to enter a vicious cycle of searching again and again, and the more we search, the less we can bear not knowing”.

A psychologist specializing in emotional conflicts Sheila Estévez Vallejo agrees with these observations, adding that “it is important to detect that we are exaggerating the attention we devote to this, because we can go to the extreme of the world and find the prisoner we are looking for.” According to her, “the sign that perhaps we are exceeding ourselves is when we are so fixated on an issue that isso makes us suffer; when this happens, internally we only care about knowing more and more, or what inevitably leads to drawing conclusions and building a reality parallel to the one in which we live”.

Why do we stalk? An uncomfortable truth

Saying that we do this out of sheer boredom can serve as an apology to two of our friends, but, as Sheila Estévez explains to EL PAÍS, “or what we do when we are in the middle of it also reveals here that it exists in us, for better or worse” . According to the psychologist, “the need to have something under control is born of fear, gives insecurity and lack of self-confidence; It is so that comparisons arise and it leads us to lose our own internal balance”.

Orosan adds that “this behavior can be fed by more previous experiences, leading us to mistrust our partner because of the need to control or elect.”

His favorite victims (spoiler: nem semper é seu parceiro)

Who has succumbed to this type of curiosity, they do not know very well that they are the most common of those who seek in depth: our partners (present or past) and the partners of them (present or past). It is not necessarily necessary to order.

If her favorite self-flagellation is compared to her ex-partner’s ex-relationship, or to her ex’s current relationship, Sheila Estévez wants to talk about something: “We must always be clear that the networks are less real than we are. same, there is a world of distance between what they show us that it is true, but in the heat of the situation it is difficult to be aware of it and we end up selling only the virtues of other people; therefore, to balance our perspective we need to be aware that the complete reality has a positive part and a negative part, only by being aware will we begin to have an affective responsibility with ourselves”.

“We live comparing ourselves with others, but we should learn to compare ourselves with our best version (and taking into account the experiences that we carry in our backpack), not with people who never spent our time”, adds María Magdalena Orosan. “When we compare ourselves with other relationships of our partners, questions arise such as: will it be better than me? Why com that person sim? We need to keep in mind that we do not have two equal people and two equal relationships, and we must work to improve the situation, leaving behind what holds us back from the past in order to take advantage of the present and build the future.”

Why eat me?

The classic two classics of the history of Google’s detective in times to solve the case of Mr. Big and Natasha. Like any um that you have seen Sex and the City she asks, asking that Carrie really can’t stop doing it herself: “Why her?” This harmful question about the current love life of our ex-partner is deceitful face logo: or simple fato de fazê-la means that we are sick or worse on the side of our ex. “When we only manage to see the good side, we are idealizing this person. It would be necessary to make an effort to see the complete reality, since it is difficult to be objective when we rely exclusively on our emotional side”, points out Estévez. “Distance yourself emotionally at the time of evaluating something or someone in a better way of being or more justly possible and, at the same time, taking care of our self-esteem, confidence and security.”

A weapon of idealization could lead us to conclude that a person was cruel to us only because Instagram did not show her an idyllic life with her new relationship. “It is important that we are sorry that this kind person did not behave so kindly before. There are two facets of the same person that need to be put together. We tend to believe that we are good or to see the positive side, as well as to look within ourselves for responsibility for failure, but when this person prejudices us, it is important to resist these tendencies and fear the reason why we will not be in a relationship, or We don’t feel comforted or we don’t feel respected at all”, emphasizes Orosan.

Let it go!

In truth, the big question is that you should do it, and why is she, and what are you doing, bisbilhoting photos of your ex’s new life? “Ficar de olho in an ex-parceiro implies not letting go and, therefore, imprisoning someone who is not in our lives”, reflects Estévez. “O suffering that isso gera leads us to want to continue knowing about the life of the people, we try to prevent emptiness in a harmful way, because, to protect ourselves from dor, we will generate more dor. And, on the other hand, we cannot grab something new if we are more busy with something that we still do not let go of, we lose everything or that does not trace us, because we cannot get up to see it.” A specialist affirms that, to turn to the page, the first thing is to decide to do isso. “Really dating a stage implies feeling sure and confident, building a new present from the current one. These will be psychologically and emotionally positive factors that will help us not fall in comparison with a new relationship with an ex.”

Respect your own relationship

Case or object of his snooping is not his ex-partner in our relationships with him, it is also convenient to moderate his inquiries. “I think that if you decide to stay with a partner, it needs to be because of your ability to trust people”, continues the specialist in home therapy from TherapyChat. “It is necessary to be careful and differentiate the act of stalking da curiositye: o primeriro vai muito além e consists in spying on, harassing and intimidating another person. The persecution, the persecution limits the freedom of the people − and we are not gifted with the freedom of anyone, except us, of course.”

“If a relationship was not based on trust from the beginning, a spiral of suffering is inevitable because there is no certainty that the couple will choose each other reciprocally and at a level that fits both people”, adds Sheila Estévez. “We need to know our partner, to see if we are a social person, we like to like it and it is part of its charm, in other words, it is clear that we are exactly loved or that we fear that other people are loved. O perigo is in doubt of ourselves and plan isso no partner: if a person trusts himself, he will know how to trust his partner. Another question is that, due to communication problems, there are misunderstandings that there is a need to control or partner. That is where we would be faced with something poorly constructed within the relationship, which can be corrected if or when we truly love each other, without the need to spy.”

Dicas for safe snooping (hair less, emotionally)

If a person notes that her need to bisbilhotar out of control, María Magdalena Orosan recommends that she “invests her time and energy more in herself than she does other people in social networks.” For this, she must carry out a constructive job (sozinha ou with the help of a psychologist) that helps her grow as a person and increase her well-being. “To facilitate this process, there are some self-control and self-knowledge strategies that help, such as analyzing which values ​​are important to us; establish goals that lead us to these values; identify and know your own emotions to manage them better; do a parallel exercise of empathy and self-compassion and look for pleasant activities, more beneficial, that help reduce obsessive thoughts (for example, having dance classes, connecting with nature, expanding the social circle, etc.) ”, assinala her. More importantly (it seems like a lie that someone still doesn’t know about it at this point on the internet), Sheila Estévez utters, “always be aware that, on social networks, you only show or want to show”.

alarm signals

You want to be the person who watches or the person who is watched, you can check at the time you need to ask for help. You are part of the second group, the police have specialized units in virtual assistance and other digital crimes, as specialists in mental health can help you when you feel that you are not getting control. Only with professional help, Sheila Estévez points out, you will be able to “learn to free yourself and connect with a life that is not present and, moreover, to stop undervaluing yourself and begin to love and respect yourself as a first person”.

For Orosan, there is a series of red flags or “signs of alert prior to the attack or control within the relationship that we must identify to avoid the generation of a dynamic of violence that could increase.” These are the signs that we must trigger all your alarms: the constant need to be aware of and/or to know about other people; the need for control (and frustration in case of not being able to satisfy it); the inability to accept a “não” as an answer; It is the perception of the relationship as a necessity and not as a choice. “Socially, many violent behaviors are normalized under the motto of an idealized love, emphasizing that it is essential to respect the intimacy and freedom of two others, and that we be respected”, concluded the psychologist.

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